So you’re in your twenties, and you’ve been having casual sex (and couple sex, of course) with dudes for years. You’ve had good and bad long(ish) relationships with men, but you’ve always had this underlying feeling that something might not be right. It could just be that you’re choosing the wrong guys — or, you know, it could be that you actually like women.
- You’ve started to fantasize about women… and it’s really nice. That stunning woman on the subway hands you her number, you have the perfect first date and then tumble into each other’s arms at the end of the evening. That lanky, adorable blonde at the dog park asks you back to her apartment for coffee. Your pups play together at your feet as you stare deeply into each other’s eyes and fall in love. That unbelievably sexy, tie-wearing queer person who works in another department meets you in an empty office and you have the roughest, hottest sex of your life. These things are all happening in your head because you’re probably attracted to women. They could also happen in real life, too… just saying.
- You go to a workout class just to be near the female instructor. Whatever your relationship with the gym, it’s much more motivating to go if there’s someone really hot to admire while you sweat. The instructor’s perfect crew cut, her breathtaking muscle tone, and her ability to kick anyone’s ass brings you back every week. Maybe it’s the workout endorphins or maybe it’s in your head, but the sexual energy that she exudes is like a magnet drawing you towards her, despite your lack of experience doing anything other than exercise with a woman like her.
- You’ve started to appreciate how soft women are. The brush of your coworker’s arm in a meeting, your roommate’s leg against yours as you sit on the couch watching “Stranger Things,” the woman pressed against you on the train, your friend’s shoulders as you give her a massage… From years of experience on both sides of the court, I can tell you women are, without question, so much softer than men. It’s just a thing – a really enjoyable thing. When you notice it, you can’t help but want to touch them (with consent) even more. Sounds like you might be a woman who likes women.
- You’ve been asking your queer friend how lesbians have sex. This curiosity to actually fulfill these fantasies you’ve been having about your soft, sexy gym instructor leads you to start asking questions. I know you’re dying to have someone explain it to you in simple terms like THIS goes THERE, but you’re just going to have to experience it to know what it’s all about. Trust me, you’ll understand afterwards and your life will be changed completely – for the better.
- Your friend group is largely made up of queer women. You never really noticed it before, but when you think about it, more of your friends are bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, or queer than they are straight. Once you do recognize this, you can’t help but wonder why you feel so comfortable and almost at home with people from the LGBTQIA+ community than straight people. It must mean something, right?
- You think all women love other women, they’re just not talking about it. Women talk about other women – in positive and negative ways – all the time. We express appreciation for the beautiful curves, the stunning smiles, and the breathtaking breasts of our fellow ladies. Some women don’t feel sexually stimulated by these admirable attributes. Some women feel it, but they don’t talk about it. Chances are if you’re feeling it, then you’re probably attracted to women more than your average female.
More signs you might be a woman who likes women
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- You can’t stop staring at the middle-aged lesbian couple in the grocery store. You can probably imagine what their life is like as they’re discussing what cut of organic, grass-fed beef to buy. Middle age can mean mortgages, bills, careers, and decreased social interaction regardless of your sexual orientation. That doesn’t stop you from trying to sneak glances at them from across the cheese section and imagining if their past might be your future. What’s it been like for them to openly love each other since before a single state legalized gay marriage? Sometimes a person’s fear of how challenging it might be to come out later in life stops you from acknowledging your sexual attraction to other women. Honestly, it hasn’t been easy for them and it’s probably not going to be easy for you because it’s never 100% easy to be who you are and that makes it all the more important to try to be. If you’re a woman who likes women, you should embrace it.
- You’ve kissed a girl and really liked it. There are plenty of straight women who lock lips with other women when drunk or on a dare — it’s all very Katy Perry “I Kissed A Girl” — but it really means nothing. Often, this is performative and for the benefit of men, which is pretty obnoxious. However, if you’ve ever kissed a woman and found yourself becoming extremely aroused by it, you could be a woman who likes women. The only way you’ll know for sure is if you do it again… and again… and again.
- Rom-coms aren’t really doing it for you these days. You used to get really emotionally invested in rom-coms, desperate for the male and female leads to end up together in the end and swooning over the hunky male star. These days, you’re more annoyed by rom-coms than anything else and you find that they’re just really pulling you in the way they used to. When you do get involved, it’s mostly because you feel something for the main female character.
- When you’re on a date with a man, you’re always thinking about women. You should be excited about going out with a smart, attractive, mature guy, but you’re just… not. He’s really nice and everything, but you’re just not feeling it. In fact, you find yourself zoning out on everything he’s saying and instead checking out the attractive woman across the bar or the beautiful server who just brought your drinks. It’s possible you’re a woman who likes women. Just sayin’.
- Your celebrity crushes are mostly women these days. Hey, it’s not your fault that Zoe Kravitz is so hot or that Kristen Stewart looks so good in that Chanel ad. You can’t help noticing attractive women and developing mini crushes on them. You sometimes even find yourself fantasizing about your celebrity crushes in a sexual way. No harm in that — you could just be a woman who likes women. So what?
- Your relationships with men all seem to fall apart when they start to get serious. You’ve had plenty of relationships with guys, but when they get to a certain point — say, a year or so in — suddenly they all fall apart just as things are getting serious. You never really considered why that might be the case, but it could just be that you recognize that it’s not a man you want to be with long-term. It’s worth considering and exploring further!
What to keep in mind if you think you might be a woman who likes women
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It can come as a bit of a shock when you first realize that you might not be 100% straight. Whether or not you’re a woman who exclusively likes other women or maybe you’re bisexual or even pansexual, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself to define your sexuality rigidly now (or even ever). It’s important to give yourself time, space, and grace to feel things out.
“Finding out that you might be a lesbian can feel different for everyone,” says Jordan Underwood, a nonbinary lesbian, fat activist, model, and content creator. “No matter what the thing is that makes you think that you might be a lesbian, know that you’re loved, and cherished, and there’s a community of people out here who want to see you grow and thrive into whatever identity affirms you and makes you feel seen.”