We’re always saying that it’s perfectly fine for girls to make the first move — to text a guy first, ask him out, or go in for a kiss — and it totally is. But that doesn’t you should just text him every time you feel like it, no matter the time of day. Whether you like it or not, texting without thinking has consequences, especially when you’re just getting to know someone. You don’t want him to think you’re attached to your phone 24/7, do you? Here are 10 times you’re better off putting the phone down.
- When you’re drunk If you’ve been together for years, he’s not going to hold a few hilariously drunk texts against you, but if you just started seeing each other, you should probably leave your phone at home. Or maybe get one of those apps where you have to solve a math problem before you can text anyone.
- In the middle of the night Unless you’re looking for a hook-up, texting a guy in the middle of the night is going to send the wrong message. Once you start the booty call ball rolling, he’s going to have a hard time seeing you as anything more than a casual fling.
- Every single morning, without fail You might think you’re being sweet by texting him good morning every day, but it actually might be coming on a little too strong. He might not want to text you every morning because he doesn’t want you to expect to have an hours-long text conversation every single day. You have a life, so act like it.
- When you really have nothing to talk about Guys don’t like endlessly texting about nothing. So if all you have to say is “hi, how are you?” maybe just refrain for now. There’s nothing worse than trying to keep a conversation going when neither one of you has anything to say.
- Immediately after a date I hate to suggest you should play games, but keeping how much you like him under wraps in the beginning is for the best. If you want to send him a message the next day telling him you had a good time, go for it. But be cool about it. You still want him to feel like he has to chase you a little bit.
- When you know he’s with his friends If you don’t know what he’s up to, fine. But if you know, and he knows you know, that he’s hanging out with his friends, just leave him alone. If he likes you, he’ll text you later, because he’ll notice that you weren’t super needy and annoying when he was busy.
- When he knows you’re with your friends It’s important you have friends and a life outside of him, so if you can’t go without texting him for a few hours when you’re hanging out with your friends, he’s going to wonder if you’re going to be one of those girls who latches onto his life given the chance.
- When he’s at work Unless you have something really important to tell him, texting him when you know he’s at work is probably a bad idea. Also, if you’re texting all day long, he’s going to think you either don’t care about your job, or you don’t have one. Neither of which is true.
- When you’re mad at him Picking a fight over text is the worst idea you’ve ever had. Think about it— context, tone, and what is and isn’t a joke are often lost in translation, so you could end up making everything worse. Not to mention he’s going to wonder about your judgment and your communication skills if you can’t talk to him in person about whatever issues you’re having.
- When he’s not responding If you send one text, two at the most, and he hasn’t responded yet, then it’s time to cool it. He either hasn’t seen them yet, or he doesn’t want to write back. Either way, you’re going to look straight-up unstable if you keep texting him for no reason. You don’t want to be that girl.
- You’ve already texted him more than once since you last talked. If the last message in your conversation came from you and remains unanswered, there’s not really much else you should be saying right now. Either he’s busy with other stuff at the moment and will get back to you when he has some free time or he’s over the conversation. The ball is in his court – it’s not your job to keep the conversation going.
- You’re always the one who reaches out first. Similar to the above, if you’re always the person who strikes up a conversation or goes the extra mile to keep it going when he’s not really engaging, there’s really no need for you to text him first. You’ve already tried that and it hasn’t gotten you any further in your conversations. Just leave it to him.
- You often find he’s online but not responding to your messages. If you know that he’s otherwise occupied or in a mood and you probably won’t hear back from him, why bother texting him in the first place? It’s wasting your time and energy and you have better things to do. Wait until there’s a better time to get in touch – if he wants to chat then, he’ll reach out to you.
- It’s the middle of the night. Nothing good comes from these types of texts and you know it. If you’re messaging him in the middle of the night, it’s likely going to lead to one thing only. While that’s not necessarily the worst outcome in the world, if you’d like to have more than just a sexual relationship, maybe save your convos for the daylight hours.
- He’s already ignored you on other platforms. If you’ve already left a comment on his latest Instagram meme or replied to his Facebook status and got blanked there, I don’t know if you’ll have much better luck with texting him. In fact, it might even make him less likely to want to chat because it might make you seem a little nuts. You’re not so he can shut up, but still.
- You know you’ll obsess over waiting for his response. If you know that waiting for him to text you back is going to drive you bonkers and be the source of obsession for you until you hear from him, you’re better off just waiting for him to reach out to you. Save your sanity, girl!
Why you shouldn’t reach out even if you’re desperate to talk
provided by iStock
- It undermines your worth. By repeatedly texting him, you’re showing that you don’t expect to be treated with respect. You’re signaling that you’re so desperate to be with him that you won’t walk away, no matter how little he values your time and attention. This is a dangerous precedent to set with someone you hope to be in a relationship with. Even if he came to his senses and fell madly in love with you, your relationship would be built on a toxic foundation.
- He’ll be less likely to respond. If he thinks you’ll always be there for him, he’ll never feel urgency to text you. He will always see you as a backup option. If you jump on every text he sends you, he will be too secure. He’ll know that no matter what he does, you’ll be waiting for him with open arms. Texting a guy who’s ghosting you is guaranteeing that he’ll take you for granted as long as you stay in contact with him.
- He had his chance. How many chances have you given him to show a basic level of interest? Two? Three? Fifteen? Ask yourself: how many failed chances will it take for you to realize that he’s giving you all the information you need? He doesn’t deserve a second chance. You can’t expect everyone you fall for to like you back. No amount of persistence will change his mind, it will only make him more distant. In an ideal world, he would be direct with you and tell you that he’s not interested in a relationship, but some people would rather keep their options open than be honest.
- It prevents you from putting him behind you. The more you contemplate how to get him to respond to you, the harder it will be to let go. If you’ve given him multiple chances to respond and he never does, you need to move on. Continuing to reach out to him will only drag you deeper into frustration, confusion, and low self-esteem. Stop texting him, and things will start to get better very soon.
- You’ll regret it. You may not recognize it now, of course. But when you look back on this period later in life, you will be shocked. Look much effort and anguish you poured into one mediocre guy who never respected you! You will regret the time you wasted trying to win over a lost cause and think about all the other things you could have been doing and thinking about. He is a waste of your time. Don’t text him.
- What are you hoping to achieve? Consider what you’re trying to accomplish. If you want him to text you back, what would he really have to say? “Hey”? “U up”? If these sound insufficient and anticlimactic to you, they should. Given his behavior up to this point, it is highly unlikely that he’ll make a u-turn. He’s not going to start treating you like girlfriend material, let alone apologize. Think about the possibilities you’re clinging to and whether they’re realistic. It’s time to come back down to earth.
- You wouldn’t let your friends treat you like this. If you’re struggling to let go of him, think about it this way. Would you ever let one of your close friends ghost you and treat you like you don’t matter? Hopefully not. So, why would you let a guy you’re obsessed with do it? You shouldn’t settle for a lower standard of decency and interest just because you’re in love. If anything, you should expect more.
- Listen to your gut. The fact that you’re asking yourself if you should text him should be a big red flag. If you have doubt, it’s because you know something is off. You’ve asked the question, but deep down, you already know the answer. You’re just looking for reasons to override your inner truth-teller. You know you shouldn’t text, but it’s so hard to let go that you’re putting it off as long as you can. Take this as an opportunity to end your emotional attachment to him. It’s past time.
So, when should you text him?
- Text him the evening or day after a great date. Sure, there are plenty of rules that people think they need to follow after meeting a date for the first time, but rules are meant to be broken. If you don’t want to wait three days before texting him and you’re sure you had a great time with him, text him to show your interest. If he had a great time too, he’ll appreciate and respond to your text. No matter what others say, if this is your case, you’re not being creepy or needy when you reach out first.
- If he initiated the last conversation, text him. Relationships are about give and take, and the best ones have a good balance of effort and communication. If he initiated the last conversation, it’s your turn to show interest. Remember that a healthy relationship is a two-way street. You don’t have to wait minutes or days to respond if you’re both interested in taking things further. Don’t hound a guy who hasn’t texted you in forever – he’s not worth it.
- Double texting is okay… in some circumstances. Some guys prefer face-to-face communications to texts or calls and that’s perfectly okay. If you’re sure the guy is worth the effort, meets your standards, and is interested in you there’s no reason why you shouldn’t text him even if he hasn’t responded to your last messages. Maybe he’s busy at work or trying to meet a deadline, after all. But like I said, this is only applicable if you know the guy’s got the feels for you. If this isn’t your case, there’s no point texting him because it’ll only annoy him and you.
- Depending on your relationship, it’s okay to text first if you need to vent. You’ve had a bad day and need to rant and that’s cool, but texting him to vent will solely depend on the relationship you share. If you’ve been on more than four dates with him and you know he likes you in a deeper way, chances are he’d stand by you while you get it all off your chest. Anything less than that, it’s best to keep venting to a minimum. You don’t want to spook him and be at the receiving end of a stingy one-liner after texting him endless blocks of rants about what ticked you off.
- Text only when you’re sober. From personal experience, it’s never a good idea to text a guy when you’re drunk or stoned. Sure, it’ll give you the courage you need to ask him daring questions, but when the dust settles, taking ownership of the message could become tricky. You can’t take back a text, so think twice before hitting the send button. Wait until you’re sober before you text him so you don’t regret anything said and/or done.
- Know that weekend texting is different from weekday texting. I’m sure you already know this. But much like women, men will value the relationship more when they know they’re not your weekend hookup. Weekday texts are often casual, but weekend texts are considered a little more flirtatious. If you want to meet him or go out together, texting on a weekend makes sense. However, if you want to get to know him, casual weekday texts are your thing. Know that weekend texts aren’t always well-received. It can give your guy the impression that you’re only wanting to hook up and that’s it.
- If he’s an ex, text him only if you have a clear goal. It happens to the best of us. We bump into an ex and suddenly a lot of questions arise. If this is your case and if you’ve maintained a friendly relationship, there’s no harm in texting him if you need the number of the mechanic who worked on your car or a groomer who groomed your dog. Remember, your text should be specific with limited pleasantries. If you’re just bored and want to know what he’s up to, put your phone down.
- Text only if you want to apologize after a fight. If you can’t meet face to face to make things right, texting him to apologize for things you said or did that hurt his feelings is a good way to make amends. Choose your words carefully so your text won’t turn into another argument. But, what if he did something hurtful that made you behave the way you did? In this case, if he’s a keeper, go ahead. Text him about what he did to upset you and then own up for hurting his feelings. If he’s really interested in you, he’ll apologize and work to make things right. If he doesn’t, well, good riddance.
- Text him if you want him to know how you feel about him. If you’ve caught feelings for him, there’s nothing wrong with letting him know. So, get to the point by texting him first if you can’t meet up in person. If he feels the same way about you, he’ll respond. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. At least he’ll know that you’re a strong, independent woman who doesn’t shy away from tricky situations.